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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27066433">Don’t Tell Them How You Feel</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idontneedyouanymore/pseuds/Idontneedyouanymore'>Idontneedyouanymore</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Bottom Harry, Comfort, Depression, F/M, Family Dynamics, Gen, Harry is his fresh air, Harry is in a lot of pain, High School hurts man, Louis Tomlinson Calls Harry Styles Pet Names, Louis Tomlinson Loves Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson is Protective of Harry Styles, Louis is so soft for Harry, Louis loves his baby, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Multi, Niall and Liam do their best, Physical Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harming Harry, Slow Burn, Taller Louis Tomlinson, Top Louis Tomlinson, Zayn is kind of an ass in this, depends if i can control myself, he’s still a soft boy though, okay thats it for now, oop sorry that’s my thing, possibly, thanks for reading luvs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:02:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,488</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27066433</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idontneedyouanymore/pseuds/Idontneedyouanymore</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles has been alone most of his life, past friendships never stayed, he always found himself left with his mind.</p>
<p>Louis Tomlinson is a ray of sunshine that graces everyone with his overly stretched smile and loud laugh. He aches to fix what’s broken. </p>
<p>Somehow they end up in each others world.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan &amp; Zayn Malik &amp; Liam Payne &amp; Harry Styles &amp; Louis Tomlinson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Please take caution to the tags loves. If anything is triggering please do not read it, take time for your mind and mental health. I love you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s far too late for him to be out, it seems grueling, going to work at this time. He's tired and overworked as it is, but money is money and hours are hours. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry pushed his unruly curls out of his eyes and made the move to open the back door of the restaurant. The night was still pretty young and the diner was lively. The clock struck 9pm just as he walked into the back kitchen and nodded a hello toward the prep cook that would be leaving any moment. Everyone that worked at the Hi-Lo diner knew that Harry was underage, the ripe age of 16 to be more exact, but no one ever interfered with him working the night shifts. Although it was tough and proving to be impossible with his classwork he also has to do, he’s well aware this is one of the only options he has anymore. It’s not that he’s in dire need of loads of money, he’s not a twit, but he also knows that his father won’t be going out to be groceries any time soon, and he also recognizes that money for the bus adds up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With the months fading together, he hadn’t realized that it was already nearing October, the weather was only going to get worse, freezing winds and overbearing snow, so walking to school, work, the store, and any other place was going to be a lot harder on him. If he had the option to take the bus, he was going to. It’s only fair that he works for his money anyway, or at least that’s what he tells himself. Harry is well aware that other kids in his school don’t pay for their groceries or transit money, he knows that he’s a special case, but he doesn’t dwell. Dwelling often gets him nowhere but a bad place in his head, somewhere far darker than usual, somewhere he avoids at all costs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tying his apron tighter around his waist, Harry sighed and walked out of the swinging doors, grabbing a notepad and sliding it into his pocket. His shift wasn’t behind the counter tonight which was upsetting but he always made better tips when he served tables rather than the customers at the counter top. It’s just… interaction wasn’t always his strongest quality, or well it wasn’t ever one of his qualities, which is namely why he doesn’t have any friends. But, most of the time the reasoning behind why he doesn’t have friends is because he’s “weird” and usually that turns everyone away. He hasn’t gone his whole life without a friend, and he’s reminded of that the minute the front door of the diner swings open, four bustling boys barging in, among them is of course Zayn Malik. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Zyan was his first and only friend. They had met when they were 6, and somehow stuck together up until their freshman year of high school. Zyan was the only person in Harry’s life that tried to understand him, tried to be his friend and stay by his side when the bullying or his dad got too much. Zayn was the only one that knew he was gay, but now it seemed that he was the worst person he could’ve told. At first he was okay with it, they were in 7th grade and Harry confided in the boy when he needed him the most. Zayn didn’t let him down until a couple of years later. It was fine, he went over to the older boys house all the time and his parents welcomed Harry with open arms, they fed him and gave him extra blankets to sleep with, and they never made fun of him for still sleeping with a stuffie. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone knew Harry slept with a stuffie now. Zayn laughed about it with the boys in the locker rooms half way through Harry’s freshman year. Something happened, something changed and Harry never really figured out what he did so wrong, what he did to Zayn to make the boy hate him after years of friendship. A friendship Harry thought was going to last his whole life. It was hard. Harry started cutting into his wrists and thighs, he cried nearly every night, the bullies grew in number and got a lot more physical, but this time he didn’t have a friend there to pick up the pieces. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t have anyone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He got used to it at some point, he isn’t sure when, but he got used to the numb feeling that he was often met with when he woke up in the mornings or when he was laying in bed at night. He still held onto his stuffies, he still wrapped himself in too many blankets because he got so cold at night, he still looked at Zayn in the hallways and ached for the feeling of a hug from him or his parents. He still missed the boy even after everything the older boy put him through. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry was never one to hold grudges. It’s one of the many reasons that he still looked after his dad when the man was too drunk to take care of his son. It was one of the main reasons that he still had pictures of him and Zayn in his room, one of the reasons he still looked at the pictures when he was feeling more lonely than usual. He was never good with grudges. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It took him more than a minute to realize that he was just standing there for no reason, an empty look taking over his face, but he managed to snap out of it. Now wasn’t the time for tears or remembering the times the older boy actually cared about him. He had to work, he had to make money, he needed to buy groceries soon and try to pay rent on his and his father’s apartment. He had to move on, it’s been a little over two years since the only friend he had ever known left him. He was just being a baby. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His father always said that he was too emotional to handle. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe that’s why he can’t get anyone to stick around. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a shaky intake of breath and slow exhale, he slowly made his way over to the four boys. Although he had only ever talked with Zayn, he knew of Niall and Liam, they were in the same class as Zayn and had often been the people he bailed on Harry for. But he wasn’t going to hold anything against the other boys, it’s not their fault that he and Zayn had a falling out, it’s no one's fault but his. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As for the other boy, he can’t think of a time that he had seen him, other than on some of Zayn’s instagram posts, the tag often under the boy saying ‘LouisTomlinson’. Harry is somewhat aware that Louis had already graduated and was in university. He’s also very aware that the boy is unbearably handsome, too handsome to be real if you were to ask Harry. And it’s so stupid for him to have a little crush on an older boy that most definitely didn’t know that he existed, that most definitely has heard stories from Zayn about him. Probably about how annoying he was and how he was too clingy, how he was happy Harry wasn’t in his life anymore. Harry probably seemed like a nightmare to Louis, and he hadn’t even had a conversation with the older boy, but that’s how it worked out for Harry with almost everyone. He could never keep anyone around for long. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With shaky legs, he walked up to the table, clearing his throat the slightest bit before speaking quietly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um, hi. I’m Harry...I’ll be your waiter for the night, can I start you guys off with something to drink?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hated being professional, but he knew that his manager was behind the counter and probably watching him like a hawk, scared that he wasn’t doing something properly because of his age. Even though he thinks that he’s proved himself by now, he knows that it might take awhile for his manager to think he actually wants this job and that he’ll be doing it well if he has anything to say about it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The boys took a moment to respond, but he ended up getting an order for three waters before he got to Zayn, who smirked at him, causing the blonde one to laugh quietly, and gosh if Harry didn’t have to fight the urge to scratch at his sliced up wrists right now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Louis elbowed Zayn in the ribs slightly, causing the other to look back up Harry with that wonderful mocking smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll take a coke, thanks twink.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That earned him another elbow from the blue eyed boy who brought his gaze to Harry and smiled lightly, looking almost apologetic in the moment, as if it’s his fault that Zayn wanted to be an asshole. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The curly headed lad flushed brightly and turned quickly, moving his way behind the counter to grab their drinks before he got complaints. His manager wouldn’t like that, but he rarely got them, sometimes the older people actually enjoyed having him as their server, but once anyone from his school came in, he was done for. Gosh he really wanted to run out the back door and never come back again, but the clock was ticking slowly and it had just hit 9:30. He had about five hours to go before he would be allowed to leave. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He needed to be stronger than his mind. </span>
</p><hr/>
<p>
  <span>The four boys seemed to be at the diner for hours, but it was only about one, the clock was just moving extra slow and Harry was feeling extra anxious throughout the whole time that they were their, it’s not their problem that he’s a freak, but seeing Zayn made everything harder, talking to him (not really) made it harder to focus and not think back on everything. He was so tempted to go up to the boy and just ask why, get an explanation for everything. But, the boys left before he was able to catch the older boys attention. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Quickly he went over to the dirty table and cleaned it off, wiping down the table and booth seats. The tips weren’t good but he was expecting that already. He lifted the tabs before walking to the back to close out their table. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shockingly, he did get one tab with a generous tip from Louis. He didn’t understand why the older boy was being nice to him, why he wasn’t laughing along with the other boys and making fun of Harry’s movements and his annoyingly curly hair, or his big nose, or the acne he seemed to be developing more of. He couldn’t find any reasons for Louis Tomlinson to be nice to him, it didn’t add up and he wasn’t sure what to make of it.<br/>
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry left it as him overreacting and slipped the tips into his apron to count out later, the night was still young and he had work to do. </span>
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He’s going to let his mind think of every bad thing that it possibly can, but not about his mind, not about his heart. He won’t. And it’s hard because it’s always there, the ache and the thoughts of ending it. </p><p>Harry is really good at lying, to others and himself, so it’s fine.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Self harm mentioned<br/>TW: Suicidal thoughts </p><p>Take care of yourself, drink some water, get a good night's sleep, listen to HS1, Fine Line, Walls, ect. I adore you all. <br/>Enjoy<br/>-IDNYA</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Life continued the same for the next couple of weeks, nothing drastically changing in Harry’s life. It seemed to be that way most of the time, life going by as if it's a song being repeated. Maybe he should do something new, find a new hobby or try and make a new friend, maybe that could change the feeling of utter numbness that encased him most days. Classes were simple, he was never one to get bad grades in any class (besides math from time to time) so schooling was never a problem for him, at least not the academic part of school. The people were another story, most of them looking at him like he was mud on their shoes, their overpriced shoes that would be ruined within two months. They never bought anything reliable, jesus. Either way, life was boring, a drag, and overall a disappointment to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not that he didn’t look for things to do. Harry used to invest all of his time into art, whether it be drawing, painting, sketching, or just anything that made him pick up a utensil. But that phase didn’t last any longer than the other phases. The one thing he hasn’t tried would be a sport, but he was never fond of those either, they reminded him too much of his father and therefore of his mother, the one person that used to love him wholeheartedly, with everything that she had in her life. He was her light and she was his. Things change, the world is always changing, Harry’s life changed a lot as he grew up, and looking back on it now, he isn’t sure why it surprised him when his mother packed up and left with his older sister, leaving him behind with his father who was well acquainted with the bottle. The world has a funny way of working, and Harry likes to think that he’s learned that better than most. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Getting up in the morning was never easy, not because he wasn’t a morning person, but because the point of getting out of bed seemed to be harder to find each day. But, school awaits and he knows if he doesn’t try and get his classwork done during school that he’ll be way behind. He has the night shift tonight at work, meaning he won’t be in bed till about 3am, so long as it doesn’t get oddly busy during the early morning hours. Those hours faded together most of the time, and sometimes Harry could squeeze in some classwork up at the counter while he waited for stragglers to come into the diner for some food. He enjoys the people at his job, he really does, but when the day fades into a new one and the street lamps illuminate the hard pavement outside, the diner changes. The atmosphere makes him uncomfortable and sometimes he really wishes that he didn’t have the fucking night shift. Those wankers. Not to mention how tired he gets during his classes. It’s not like he can blame anyone but himself, he’s the one going out at night and working rather than doing homework and sleeping like a normal fucking teenager, but at the same time, what would he do without his job? Not be able to pay rent for one, and also probably not be able to eat as much. He barely eats as it is, he can’t handle not having at least a meal a day (minus lunch because school provides that) and not having his fucking apartment (his dad’s apartment). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a grunt, Harry manages to drag himself out of bed and into the bathroom that he shares with his dad, but the man is passed out on the couch so he doesn’t have to worry about taking all the hot water. He knows that Des won’t be up for another four hours at least. The man is usually out until the early hours of the morning much like Harry, but he’s going out to drink and blow all of his money, Harry goes out for work and nothing more. Des has a job, one that can be done from home, so he actually has an excuse to stay home all of the time, but that doesn’t mean he does his job well, Harry wouldn’t be surprised if his father got fired any day now. It’s only a matter of time till the man is jobless again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The curly headed boy quickly stripped out of his oversized sweater and sweatpants, placing them on the toilet and hopping into the shower, hoping to have enough time to dry his hair before stepping out into the cold. He really couldn’t afford getting sick right now, not that it would stop him from doing his job or going to school, he just really didn’t need to feel like shit right now, thank you very much. It was still early though so he wasn't overly worried about running out of time, but just to be sure, he showered quickly before stepping out and checking the time on his phone, the clock reading 7:27am. School started at 8 and the bus left at 7:45, he would be fine if he hurried his ass up. Harry catches himself staying in the shower too long most of the time, (making him the butt of his father’s inappropriate drunk jokes and the cruel sting of his slaps when Harry wastes all the hot water on himself) but he can’t help it sometimes. Usually he sets a timer for the shower so he doesn’t get lost in his head and thoughts, but he knows his father won’t be up when he steps out, so it's fine, he’s fine. </span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>The final bell rings loudly once Harry finally steps into school. Shocker, his father was up, and there was a slap to the face waiting for him outside of the bathroom (AKA the sanctuary because it’s the only door with a lock in the apartment) and that's solely his fault. It’s not Des' fault that he wants hot water for a shower too, and Harry should’ve known that his father wasn’t going to sleep in, it’s Thursday, and Des always goes into work on Thursday’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All in all, it’s Harry’s fault, and he really should’ve sucked up the tears instead of closing his bedroom door and crying into his pillows while holding onto his stuffie. He wasted his own time, not Des. So, yes, it’s his fault that he's late to his first period and when he walks in the door his teacher glares at him, shaking his head. Harry is convinced that all of his teacher’s don’t have any hope in his abilities, and sometimes he can see why, he does usually show up with dark bags under his eyes. He switches between the same outfits every week, but clothes are expensive and he can’t deal with that right now so what do they want him to do about it? At least he washes them, and even if his shoes are a little ripped and a bit too tight, what does it matter to his teachers? It’s none of their business and it doesn’t raise enough concern yet for them to call home. He’s fine, and he doesn’t give a fuck if his teachers don’t think he’s going anyway, honestly he doesn’t think he will be either.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Classes are boring as usual, nothing happens that’s life changing, another test is announced in science and when he finally reaches his last class of the day, English, he’s about ready to go to bed. The only downside to English is Zayn being in it. Thankfully they don’t sit by each other, but they change their seating chart so much that Harry is sure that Zayn requested not to sit by him or something. It really doesn’t add up, but the more Harry thinks about it, the more it hurts, so he ignores the idea of Zayn going up to the teacher and complaining about Harry so much to the point where he won’t be placed by him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ouch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t realized he was scratching at his wrist. No blood, it’s fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The attention span of the whole classroom is extremely low, but Ms. Kindler is nice, overly nice, and she doesn’t hold it against them like other teachers would. Most students take advantage of her and her kind ways, but Harry has been there before so he can’t imagine doing that as well, he knows how that can hurt. Gosh, he hates when other people hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zayn is too loud, he never used to be like that, he was quiet and would laugh with Harry in the back of the classroom (he used to request to sit by Harry, things change, we know this) and everything was better. But, now his laughter belts out loudly, the other footie players surrounding him laughing as well. It’s overwhelming but Harry still looks at him, still watches his smile a little just because he misses that, misses being the one to cause Zayn Malik’s smile. He misses being his friend, but it’s one sided so he’ll ignore his feelings and start taking notes that Ms. Kindler has presented on the front projector. He’ll be good, he’ll get good grades and do something great and then none of this will matter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just saying that makes his heart ache a little, he knows it won’t happen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nearing the end of class, Ms. K actually takes it upon herself to quiet everyone down so she can announce partners. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Partners? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Is Harry missing something because that doesn’t sound right at all. Surely he would have remembered if she talked about a project that wasn’t done alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh gosh this made his anxiety skyrocket within thirty seconds, why the hell is he so sensitive?  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sure enough, names are being read off and she’s nearing the end of the list, Harry’s name still not being mentioned, but of course, of fucking course, neither has Zayn’s. This isn’t happening, this isn’t going to happen, Zayn wouldn’t let it happen. Surely he would do something? Request someone else, or ask to do the project (whatever the fuck it was) by himself. He hates Harry. Harry Styles is his worst enemy apparently. Doesn’t the teacher know this? Wasn’t this obviou-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zayn Malik and Harry Styles.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuckshitdamnitwankerfuckthisfuckfuckfuck-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bell rings and Zayn is already out of his seat, racing toward the front of the classroom as his friends laugh at him. Harry can tell by Zayn’s stressed and annoyed expression that they’re talking about the partnership. He’s being persistent, he can see the torn expression of Ms. Kindler’s face, can see her glancing at him with sad eyes, but she must have seen this coming. This must be a sick joke, a way to make Harry’s heart feel a little heavier and sore. He glances down, only hearing parts of the conversation, “I can’t work with him”, “I’d rather do it by myself or fail”, “It doesn’t matter why I don’t want to, I won’t do it with him”. Every line hurts, and Harry knows he’s going to be cutting when he gets back home, back into his room with his pictures and blankets and stuffies. It’s safe there, no one can hurt him there, no one can reach into his heart and squeeze it even tighter. It’ll be fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, with a heavy sigh, Ms. Kindler agrees with the taller boy, making him smile and whip back around to grab his bag and rush out of the room, probably not wanting to be late to footie practice. He doesn’t spare a glance at Harry. He wasn’t expecting to be given the time of day though. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few other students are still packing up, making Harry kick it into gear and start shoving his books into his bag, avoiding looking up as he hears the teacher walk towards him. She stops a few feet away and waits for him to look up before smiling softly, worried eyes taking in the shakiness of the boy’s hands and the teary look in his eyes.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Harry, I guess Zayn wants to work on the project himself, I think he just works better that way, you know?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s trying to make him feel better about himself, trying to make this seem like it isn’t about Zayn just not wanting to be around Harry in general. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She clears her throat before continuing, “So if you’d like you can work alone on this project as well, or we can try and find someone to pair you with, totally up to you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry only gives her a stiff smile, making the hope in her eyes disappear. She knows that he isn’t being fooled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay with doing it alone. It’s fine.” His voice is too quiet and shaky for the statement to be believable, and he sees Ms. K’s eyes soften a little. But, he doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want her pity right now, he doesn’t want to let another person give him hope that they care when they really don’t give a shit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry Harry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sounds kind of sad, and fuck, he did that, he made her sad because he’s so pathetic that he can’t keep a friend, he can’t even get people to want to work with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugs instead of answering and tries to smile again, it looks fake, he can tell by the way it feels forced against the ache in his heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, he makes his way out of the classroom and starts walking out of the school. The bus is already gone, and he really doesn’t feel like waiting another thirty minutes for the next to come around so he starts his trek home, pulling his sweatshirt a little tighter around his body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The walk home feels longer than it is. The highlight of it being walking past the local coffee shop, Penny’s, and seeing Louis working behind the counter. It’s stupid, but with his short sleeves Harry can see the many tattoos that he’s sporting, and he can make out the fine line of muscle. He’s too handsome, too attractive. The world really does have favorites. Fuck. </span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>That night Harry cuts again, but he made it a whole three days without doing it, so maybe it’s getting better, maybe he’s doing better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a lie he tells himself so he can’t focus on the obvious deterioration of his mind and body. He knows he’s thinning and that having suicide plans isn’t normal. He knows but he doesn’t want to think about it right now. Right now he’s going to lie in bed, hold on to his stuffie, and overthink about why Zayn doesn’t want him anymore. He’s going to think about why his mom left without him. Why his dad still hits and screams at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s going to let his mind think of every bad thing that it possibly can, but not about his mind, not about his heart. He won’t. And it’s hard because it’s always there, the ache and the thoughts of ending it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry is really good at lying, to others and himself, so it’s fine. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I didn't expect to post another chapter in the same day as the first, but here we are! <br/>So far I am actually enjoying writing this, and I know that it's moving a little slow, but I'm trying really hard not to rush anything, because I have the habit of doing that sometimes. <br/>I want this story to really focus on Harry and his mental health and what his struggles are, and I want to focus on him getting better. But, yes, Louis is going to play a role in that. I know relationships aren't always what's best for someone struggling from mental health issues, but it can be beneficial to some. I think Harry is one of those people in this story. BUT THIS IS FICTION. Life doesn't always work this way, you have to know what's best for you when you are struggling.<br/>Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, i love you all so much, stay strong and I am here to talk if you need someone. <br/>Goodnight Loves, TPWK.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am so so sorry that this took ages to get out. My motivation really took a plummet and school got increasingly harder starting in November, I just didn't find the time to write anything. I'm so sorry everyone, I've been reading comments and I love them and all of you, I just want to please you. Thank you for all of the support luvs, it means so much to me. I hope you enjoy this Chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Harry’s failing English. The project proved to be much harder than he thought it was going to be, and Ms. K doesn’t have the leenancy for him anymore, he’s failed too many things and his effort is at an all time low, but then again, so is his mental health. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s hard to pay attention in class when his life seems pointless. It’s hard to pretend that the things he’s learning are going to help him in his future, a future he most likely won’t be having. The future was a thing Harry didn’t think about a lot, only when he was trying to convince himself not to end it all. He would make up fantasies in his mind of the great life that would be his someday. He would have a loving and caring husband, maybe a couple of kids, definitely some cats, possibly a dog if that’s something his partner would want. He would be a florist or a baker, one of the two, those being the only things in his life that really bring him joy right now. Making things up in his head made life a little more bearable during the times that it tried to tear him down, like right now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Right now being him staring into the mirror, looking at the bags under his eyes that seem to be growing darker by the day, and the new acne that decided to grace his face this morning. And for fucks sake, he’s already ugly as it is, what with his pudgy stomach, his big nose, his poofy hair and un-proportional sizing, but no, the universe had to tack on some acne as well. It’s easy to say that Harry hates himself most of the time, never really finding a time that he feels good about himself. Of course, the bullying doesn’t help, the name calling, harsh shoves, and brutal punches, none of that is beneficial to him in any way, but he’s also aware that he just wasn’t graced with beauty when he was born. He was nothing compared to some of the people at school, nothing compared to Louis Tomlinson. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He has to stop thinking about Louis fucking Tomlinson. It’s not helping anything, but he can’t help his mind from wondering to the older boy. To those blue eyes and doodled tattoos. He can’t help but think of the little nudges he gave Zayn when the ladder was being rude to Harry at the Diner. Can’t help but think about the little smile that he gave him when he blushed brightly. His mind is fucking annoying and twisted all the time, but this crush thing was a new development. One that he wasn’t fond of, because of course, it was one sided. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Louis wouldn’t want something as broken and lost as Harry. He would want something better, he deserves something better, no one needs to deal with Harry, he only made people’s lives harder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even with all this in mind, the boy still finds himself at Penny’s Coffee Shop at 9am on Sunday. He knows that Louis works here, knows that there is a chance of them running into each other, but another part of him doubts that Louis will be working Sunday morning. Usually the owner, Penny, is working morning shifts. So maybe he’s safe for now. Plus, he has homework to catch up on, and Des is throwing shit around drunkenly (yes at 9am) at the apartment. Not really an ideal place for him to try and finish up his classwork. Maybe it’s cliche of him to sit in a damn coffee shop, even if he does get tea, and work, but it’s one of the only places he can find some peace of mind to try and succeed in his life. Sue him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>While typing away on his laptop, after receiving his tea and not being met with Louis, he can feel his wrists scrape against the sides of it, can feel his cuts getting aggravated and shit, why did he have to break his two day streak last night? Why did he let his mind get the better of him, let his dad’s harsh words (fag, fairy, useless, worthless, ect ect.) get the better of him? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because he’s weak. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s why. That must be why. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Either way, his tea is going to get cold if he keeps letting his mind wander and get the better of him, he has things to finish and sitting here contemplating everything and it’s existence is not going to help him. Harry just needs to focus, try and get shit done and maybe he can go back home to take a nap before work tonight, if not, he would deal with it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This is the mantra he continued to spew in his head so the tears wouldn’t come. Being sad is something that he’s dealt with for a long time, but right now he’s not even that depressed, he’s not stuck in his bed staring at the ceiling with no expression, he’s only close to tears because of how overly tired he is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Carefully, he goes to open his laptop that seems to be hanging on by a thread and nothing more. Harry lets the smell of roasting coffee beans take over his senses, lets the world slip from his fingers and allows himself to make some small improvements to his Chem Lab that’s due in a day's time. The class isn’t overly challenging for him, but it still seems tedious at times and he really cannot afford to slip up right now. His teacher, Mr. Vanim, is incredibly particular when it comes to how things are done in his classroom and in labs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hours pass in what feel like minutes, and the sky darkens considerably, a light rain coming down and patting against the windows, the atmosphere is calming to his ever darkening thoughts and mind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s only when the front door swings open with a loud ring of the bell above it that he shakes himself from his little world. Harry doesn’t see him at first, but he can hear the higher pitch of his voice over the yapping little girls that he is able to see. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knows that Louis has a lot of siblings. Sometimes they’ll come into the Diner for a meal, or just a snack. Often Louis is with them rather than a parent, something that Harry notices but chooses not to overthink on. He doesn’t like making assumptions about people when he doesn’t really know them, he hates when people do that to him, and Harry is anything but a hypocrite. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The siblings look picture perfect in their own way, all of them sporting a decent amount of expensive clothing, or at least more expensive than the ones that the curly headed boy is wearing. The family is wealthy in a sense that they have comfort and stability, but not a filthy rich that can often be off putting to Harry. It isn’t the kind of money that is being rubbed in his face, and he appreciates that more than the older boy could probably ever know. Louis is shaking his hair out, little droplets of rain dropping onto the twin sisters below him, making them squeal and let out little laughs, their red noses scrunching up as the blue eyed boy ruffles their hair. Already in line are his other sisters, Lottie and Fizzy. The brunette is inspecting the menu while the blonde is picking at her acrylic nails. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a comforting scene in it’s own way, in a way that Harry can’t really explain to anyone, but it makes sense in his mind so he doesn’t bother thinking too much about it. The siblings seem happy, all of them sporting a soft smile besides Lottie, who is bracing a bored expression, probably wanting to be anywhere other than out with her little sisters and older brother. It’s normal for a teen, but Harry still feels this pang of envy and wishes that she wouldn’t take it for granted. Then again, he’s probably thinking too much again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The green eyed boy scratches at his wrists subconsciously, the act calming down the nerves running through his body for no reason. He shouldn’t be nervous, he doesn’t have any reason to be other than the idea that maybe Louis will see him and find reasoning to laugh at him. It’s a fear that he carries around on his shoulders now, ever since Zayn, ever since the locker rooms in freshman year when he saw his friendship slip out from his grasp. He tries not to think about it anymore than he already does, especially in public. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The Tomlinsons order their drinks and baked goods from the old lady working the register, Louis talking to his co-worker for a little bit while his sister finds a seat near the front windows, thankfully on the opposite side of the cafe as Harry. He’s not sure he could bear to deal with hearing their conversations, or even Louis’ voice. Sometimes his heart is just too weak to deal with certain things that shouldn’t even be upsetting him. He’s overly sensitive as his father would say, possibly one of his worst traits. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s only when Louis turns to talk to their table, drinks and food in hand, that he notices the curly headed boy in the back corner. He lets a small smile grace his face as he places the goods down on the table and let’s his little sisters dig in before it goes cold. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll be right back you gremlins, don’t take my coffee or biscuits, or else you’ll be facing me wrath.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The twins let out little giggles while Lots and Fiz roll their eyes in faux annoyance. Smiling lightly, Louis makes his way over to the younger boy, trying to make himself noticeable as to not scare him. The boy is always so jumpy for some reason. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The younger is staring down at his textbook, which must be Chemistry because of the chemical equations he’s trying to balance. Carefully, Louis clears his throat. Unfortunately this makes Harry nearly jump into the air before his eyes shoot up, making contact with Louis’ before he looks back down again. Louis didn’t want to startle him, honestly he doesn’t even know why he’s at the younger boy’s table, or why he’s starting a conversation with him when he’s obviously busy. Maybe this was a bad idea….Louis can’t be sure that the boy wants his company or wants him around. He was clearly focused on his homework and it’s not like they know each other outside of the few times they’ve run into each other. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In all honesty, Louis really wants to apologize for how Zayn, Liam and Niall treated the boy a few weeks ago. He never got around to it that night, the boys were very persistent that they leave as soon as they could and go back to Louis’ to play FIFA. But, he felt bad, he shouldn’t have let them say the things they did about Harry. It seemed like the whole night was them ripping into the boy and saying these nasty things. So what if he was gay? Louis himself was almost a hundred precent sure that he was Bisexual, something that he confided in Liam about. His friend didn’t have a problem with it, didn’t even care to have Louis explain himself, said that it wasn’t needed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To be far, Liam never really takes part in the conversations that Zayn brings up about Harry, he never likes to take part in the slightly homophobic comments that Zayn makes. Louis isn’t one to place blame (when they’re all in the wrong one way or another) but the Bradford born boy is the biggest issue when it comes to the comments, rarely will Niall even say something, all he does is laugh at the snide and cruel opinions that Zayn always seems to be voicing around or away from Harry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>University is a hell of a lot better than High School, and Louis is so fucking glad that he’s done with the bullshit that was his high school. Everything was very suffocating and close-minded rather than the openness and freedom that University gives him. Hanging around his friends really reminds him of that all the time, but he can’t find it in himself to stop spending time with his lads. They really are good people from time to time, their choices just over shadow that more often than not. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Perhaps it’s time to have a conversation with Zayn about his choices. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Looking back down at the boy sitting at the little table in front of him, Louis can’t help but feel the utter need to apologize, to make it clear that he is not like that, that he’s accepting and kind and empathetic and caring. He isn’t fucking homophobic for God’s sake, he swings both ways. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, he clears his throat and speaks up, hoping to come across as bold and confident. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey Harry, um...I just wanted to tell ya that what Zayn did a few weeks ago while us lot were at your work...it was uncalled for and completely unacceptable. I don’t stand by that, and I don’t agree with his choices, but I can’t control him you know?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The younger boy doesn’t look up, but he fiddles with his fingers after putting down his pencil, letting Louis know that he’s at least listening to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just, I feel awfully guilty okay? I can’t just stand by and not say something. I don’t mean to bug you lad, just wanted to let you know that I don’t stand by Zayn’s words or choices, and that....I think you’re rather sweet.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The mop of curls below him finally moves, green eyes meeting his blue ones, the boy's face is covered in a small blush, the bags under his eyes looking painfully heavy, but he’s still captivating and beautiful to Louis. The younger yanks on his sweater sleeves, making little paws, an action that makes Louis' stomach do a little swoosh and a smile grace his face, eyes crinkling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally the rose red lips of the boy open and he speaks quietly, as not to disturb the peacefulness of the cafe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um….thank you. It, it means a lot. I’m not like...you don’t have to feel guilty, it’s okay, you didn’t do anything. I um, thanks, thank you for the tip that night….by the way.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The world felt so quiet to Louis, in this little world with Harry he couldn’t hear his sisters fighting over the last biscuit that he told them not to eat, in this new world he wasn’t stressed about assignments and work. He wasn’t focused on anything other than the boy in front of him, the boy that may be stuttering a little, but is still able to hold his head up after dealing with everyone’s bullshit. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Louis decides that Harry is a breath of fresh air. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so so much for reading. <br/>Finally got Louis and Harry to sort of have an actual conversation! <br/>Louis is literally the sweetest bean in my mind and would do absolutely anything for Harry, and I just want to show how much he cares for the boy and how Harry makes him feel differently than anyone else.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>All the same TWs! <br/>Sorry this is a little short and a bit of a filler chapter, I just want to get something out to you guys while I can! <br/>Enjoy luvs</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The small interaction in the cafe was the last of his conversations with Louis for a while. Harry didn’t take it to heart though, he knew that the older boy was in Uni and that it was probably a lot more time consuming and stressful than high school. So, for once he tried not to worry about it. It’s not like he and Louis were suddenly best friends, but he did get a DM from the latter on Instagram later on the day of their talk in the coffee shop, it simply said,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>LouisTomlinson28- Hey Curly, thanks for talking to me today, I really am sorry. Also, didn’t mean to scare ya, sorry:p </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The message was nothing, he shouldn’t be taking it as anything since they </span>
  <em>
    <span>aren’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>friends and it’s a normal thing for people to DM each other on Instagram, but the last person that ever did that to Harry was Zayn, so maybe that says a lot. It’s not like he wants to blow things out of proportion, but while he’s sitting on his bed holding onto his duck stuffie, sporting a new black eye from Des, he can’t help but let his mind wander around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>School has been anything but nice to him and he’d gotten a message from his counselor the other night asking if they could talk sometime this week, and that sometime happened to be tomorrow morning. So, now he was faced with the new issue of covering his bruised face. Some may call him stupid for not having some sort of makeup on hand since he’s literally living in an abusive household where punches are not unusual, but at the same time, his father was usually good about keeping it below the neck. Harry won’t blame Des, he can’t, it’s not the type of person that he is, he’s always going to take the fall, always going to let the man get away with things without a dent in his life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a heavy sigh, Harry finally reopens his eyes and swings his legs over the side of the bed, leaning forward carefully and pushing himself into a standing position. Des had landed a few swift kicks to his rips and they still sported a tender ache, but it could be worse than this, it has been worse than this. Avoiding the mirror in the bathroom, Harry dresses into his work clothes for his upcoming shift in a half and hour. If he wanted to grab some concealer from the CVS and get to work in time, he was going to have to hurry up, or at least walk instead of waiting for the bus. The air was chilly and crisp, cold enough to make the tip of his nose go into a small numb state and for his fingers to feel stiff. The weather was working against him at the moment, but he really couldn’t wait for the bus, he would only have five minutes to buy what he needed and be behind the counter at work, it just wouldn’t work. With this in mind, he walked carefully to the small closet in the hallway of the apartment, opening it and finding an old coat from when he was in 8th grade. It was a little snug, but coats were expensive and with it being snug, he would be warmer (hopefully). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The walk to work wasn’t bad, nothing that he hadn’t experienced before. Sometimes he really thinks about all that he's had to deal with and can’t decide whether to be thankful or despise it. Either way, Harry doesn’t want to dwell on things that he can’t change, one of which being the past. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Trudging through the snow on the sidewalks of Downtown that hadn’t been cleared properly, he spots Zayn, Niall, and Liam walking down the opposite side of the road. They’re clad in proper coats, well fitted boots and are all cradling hot drinks from Penny’s. Part of him would like to be jealous, would like to fantasize about the world where he could walk with them, where he could not go into work almost everyday, where he could get actual sleep and maybe have actual friends. He won’t though, he’s going to be the bigger person, he won’t spite Zayn for the rest of his life just because the older boy outgrew him when they were Sophomore and Freshman. Zayn clearly isn’t carrying around any guilt, so maybe it’s about time that Harry stops carrying around all of it for the both of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the back of his mind he knows that he can’t do that, knows that it’s something that he isn’t capable of, at least not at this time in his life. He’ll always go back to the pictures that they have together, will always wonder if Zayn’s parents still ask about him or not. Harry is pretty sure that they don’t, but it’s a nice thought that they do, that they bring him up and ask if he’s okay, just because if they do, then he really might have some sort of adult that cares. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Stopping at CVS doesn’t take long at all, he’s done it before and he knows what shade of concealer he needs to get. It’s the application process that takes a little while in the bathroom. No one can know that he’s wearing anything, otherwise he’ll be questioned or ripped into by his co-workers, maybe even some customers. Harry knows that he can’t take that kind of criticism right now, he’ll over think it and fuck himself over in the head. Carefully, the boy uses his fingers to blend the concealer into his skin, reapplying over the spots that the bruise still peaks through. After nearly 10 minutes, Harry is satisfied with the coverage and pockets the rest of the tube, heading out of the store and across the street to Hi-Lo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sighing, Harry pulls open the back door of the Diner and makes sure to stomp the snow of his shoes on the rug. One of the prep-cooks waves hello, but otherwise he’s just another figure moving around the building, another kid that won’t go anywhere, another teenager that they’ve given up on. He knows that a lot of the people he works with don’t enjoy him being around. He’s a bit awkward, a little out of place, even more so if he’s working late nights into early mornings. Harry is overall a piece of work for almost everyone in his life, and he’s come to terms with the fact that he may be the only one that enjoys his company, if that. The boy is kind of a bummer to be around, never a fun time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s okay, he’ll be fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right before he goes to tie his apron around his waist, the phone in his pocket buzzes lightly, something that never happens because he doesn’t get fucking text messages okay? Looking around carefully to make sure his manager isn’t lingering around, he pulls the phone out of his pocket and sees that it’s another DM from Louis on Instagram. Harry hates the way his heart swells with excitement and the way his cheeks flush lightly. His fingers shake lightly as he goes to the app to see what the older boy wants.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>LouisTomlinson28- Hey green eyes, just wondering what ur work schedule is like? Maybe I could come visit and we could eat some food after ur shift? Hope this isn’t weird… :p </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Harry rereads the message five times, he’s so sure that he’s hallucinating and all of this is completely fake, but he clicks on the profile and it leads to the older boy’s page. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis fucking Tomlinson wants to hang out with him?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Did his dad hit his head harder than he thought, or is he just going insane. Fuck, he really wants to hang out with Louis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Louis is nice. He’s good with his wording, he’s kind, and the older boy has never made any assumptions about Harry even though he hangs around people that do. Louis is something that he’s not used to, something that he doesn’t really understand. Why would anyone want to be around him, want to be friends with him, call him sweet? Either way, he needs to let his mind shut up and follow his heart or whatever that cliche saying is. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>hStyles- I’m off early tonight, I should be done at 8ish? Otherwise I work pretty late for the rest of the week...sorry:(</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The reply is almost instant, shocking the curly headed boy even more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>LouisTomlinson28- I can do tonight! I’m done with work at 7:30, so I’ll just show up a little early. Unless you don’t want to...sorry if I’m being pushy:/ </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ignoring the nerves in his stomach and coursing through his veins, Harry allows himself to reply with a quick response of yes, he wants to do this, he wants to hang out with Louis. Part of him wonders if he has a concussion for the rest of the night, he’s not usually this stupid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe he really is losing his mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harry tries not to overthink why Louis wants to hang out with him, he tries to ignore the fluttering in his stomach that make him blush for nearly his whole shift, he wills all of these feelings to go away. There's no way Louis likes him as more than a friend, he's well aware how damaged he is.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As always, thank you for reading my work. It really means so much to me and I'm so thankful for all of you! I'm on break right now, so I'm hoping to upload a bit more than I usually would. Time management isn't my thing though so don't take my word on that. <br/>Thanks again luvs, TPWK.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi idk what the hell this is. I’ve always refrained from writing for this fandom because I feel like no one is going to like what I put out there. Some of the writers in this fandom are insanely impressive and talented, I am not one of this writers. While I do want to keep updating this story, it might take time, I get caught up in life a lot and I get overly stressed, that paired with writers block is a bitch. Anyways I hope this first chapter is somewhat enjoyable and gives you a taste of what’s to come.<br/>You’re all lovely, I adore all of you.<br/>Thanks for reading loves, TPWK.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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